control freak > control issues
Hi, my name is Cindy-Ann Boisson and I control issues. Though, I much prefer the term 'control freak' kinda makes it sexier....like a control freak in the streets but also a control freak in the.....You get it!
It's bad. It's really really bad.
I have always been a control freak but never quite understood why. I hate being disappointed. I hate depending on anyone to get the job done. I am impatient. I am short tempered. I know, I know, at this point, you are thinking....'wow! WHAT a catch!'
Hold up! Before you roll your judgmental eyes please know that I am not exulting over these personality traits. I am owning up to; taking control of my journey. Ha! See what I did there? Freaky huh?
It's with the passing of time and life experiences that I've been able to take a more wholesome look at myself. To understand what made me who I was and what continues to contribute to my renewal. I sincerely believe if you're aging or rather growing: I liken my journey to plants and not wine. Why Cin? Well, while aged wine is finer, if left opened it goes bad after 3-5 days. You certainly cannot sow a bottle of wine or prune it to change the shape or it's direction. However, plants can be pruned and replanted and transplanted and nourished and.....Plants need to be loved and nourished and sometimes if left alone they flourish even better. So there...I am not aging....I am growing.
Thank you, thank you very much. Have a seat and allow me to continue.
Yeah, so my control issues have gotten in the way of me surrendering. It has fed my anger issues and given life to my fears and anxiety. I don't think it has hampered/damaged my relationships, well, not permanently. I'd like to think my friends know me. They know my heart. They know that a harsh tone or ungracious response isn't venomous. It's fear. I want to control what happens to them so they aren't hurt. I feel like I had that. I always felt protected by my dad. The world never seemed too big or too scary. My mum taught me the power of prayer and my dad stood like a pillar of strength for those days he knew I would question my faith.
Being a control freak is no easy feat! hahaha...I knoooow..... I talk about it like it's a superpower. Ahmmm...sometimes it is! You know how many heartaches I've been spared? A lot! A. LOT.
Okay, relax, I'll also admit to missed opportunities because my freakishness would't allow it if I didn't have ALL the answers.
Because I had to have ALL of the information before I made a decision.
Because I DID NOT want to be hurt.
Because I couldn't CONTROL people's reaction.
Now I get it. I really do. I love the woman I've become. I love ME! I am enjoying learning and growing. Pruning and trimming as needed. Replanting and transplanting.
I've learned that sometimes the joy comes from the unknown.
I appreciate that pain reminds me that I am having a human experience.
Fuck 'em if they don't get you or support your vision. Surround yourself with people who do and when you find that circle...love and support them hard too! Or, go it alone. Yeah! Sometimes we need to just go it alone. PS. you're never truly alone 😉
I've been called fearless. Seems like a complimentary thing to say to someone, right? I understand the sentiment behind it but let's me clear. I am not afraid of expressing my emotions. I am not scared of people (generally 😏). I am not afraid of a good ole' fashioned cuss out, in fact, I pursue them. Don't judge me...after a good cuss get out I get a real good outlook on life.
But I'm afraid of roaches and frogs and snakes and dying without living.
That's why I am a control FREAK!
Brought you right back to where this thing started, didn't I?
So I am not fearless. I probably fear less things than you do. Maybe. I am simply
living in spite of my fears. Allowing myself to work through the kinks and summoning help when I need it (even when I don't...because why not?)
I love this journey that I am on.
I love the people I have encountered, all of them have taught me a lesson or two in pruning or transplanting or nourishing or growing or individualism.
Thank you for allowing me to share. Feel free to reach out. I'd love to hear from you.
Also, if this resonates please share with your circle.
Buh bye for now.